they want me to go to a rape and sexual abuse centre - my instructor said she can come with me every step of the way - and my youngest cat is sick and I have this horrific trigger reaction that she’s going to die and everyone hates me and thinks very lowly of me
and in reality my instructor said today that I am DEAR to her (her emphasis) and this happened:
she hugged me at the end of our talk (I talked about my old therapist and my hospital trip and how I’m upset about a person I miss and how my feelings regarding anything or myself don’t make any sense) and said, “She’s pretty great…! That Noora.”
I smiled into her shoulder and joked, “I haven’t got to know her yet.”
she laughed and said back, “You ought to. She’s really lovely.”
and she said she’d read my yesterday note about worrying how people will perceive me worse with a growing sense of “what the fuck?! WHY!?” and I conceded that she’s right, everyone was on my side, but I can’t fathom it anyway. meh.
our boss said I’ve opened up the Pandora’s box and that it’s really great and I’m moving forward and making progress, and all the time I felt ready to flee at the slightest hint of it. but apparently they all liked that they can understand my situation better now
and see how perfectly understandable it is that I feel like jumping under a train.
so there are bad things and there are
good things and the good things weigh a lot in my scales - but somehow the bad things, all relating to losses once again, they cut me open and I can’t breathe because of all the trying-not-to-cry.
my instructor said I could cut my arm to tassels and ribbons and it still wouldn’t improve anything because I haven’t done anything wrong I need to pay for. I would have started howling with touched, upset tears if she hadn’t called me with affectionate terms.
no one will ever take your place, though, okay? I miss you a terrible much.
I miss you and it isn’t fair.
my cat’s crying and I’m about to so fuck everything.