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I suddenly realised that when I asked you to tell me what in me made you feel anxiety in my company, tell me so I can stop doing it

and you didn’t answer my question

the response would have been “breathing”

"she isn’t going to vanish from the world. … and just you make sure you won’t, either. just you make sure."

I dreamt I was sitting in a chair, reading through Tumblr prints for my instructor, and you came and poked me in the ribs to get my attention, and when I saw it was you I flinched so badly I hid behind the sheets and started crying

and you hugged me and said something about being sorry about… things

you didn’t apologise, you said you were sorry - an important difference here (and something I remember trying to explain to you from my perspective with seemingly little response; I guess that’s why it felt so important in my dream)

for some reason you squeezed up to sit on the chair, half on the armrest and half in my lap, still an arm around my shoulders and I still sobbed my heartache out

we talked for a while about things

and at some point I blubbered, “I just want us to be… pals”

a very choked-out, broken, full of desperate inhales ka-ve-rei-ta

and you sighed and said you didn’t know, but took my hands off my face anyway

I know

but it was a dream and I woke up crying and I’m trying very hard not to cry right now and failing at that and

I don’t know why I’m writing this

maybe to let the Universe at large know how much I miss you

without the danger of angering you more since thank God you don’t read this shit

I know I shouldn’t miss you, I know I know I know

and I’m so so so sorry

it’s been an awful year and it doesn’t show signs of letting up at all

time goes by and you forget me and go you you go girl

but for some reason my sick little heart decided this was the blow that made it stop

and I often wonder if you’d come to my funeral

and the truth is

I don’t know


about anything).

it was just a dream but it feels like a nail hammered on my coffin lid, you know?

oh, God, have mercy on me

I didn’t choose any of this

you need help because you have severe depression which makes you suicidal and you have EUPD which means you may act dangerously impulsively
I’m so sorry I put you through so much shit

Understanding and Helping the Suicidal Individual - Be Aware of Feelings, Thoughts and Behaviors


Adapted from the American Association of Suicidology

Nearly everyone at some point in his or her life thinks about suicide. Most everyone decides to live because they come to realize that the crisis is temporary, but death is not. On the other hand, people in the midst of a crisis often…

I’m ticking off every box of the “can’t” list and it’s making me upset and depressed and hopeless I already am

It’s easy to love someone when they’re happy. What’s hard is loving someone when they’re crying on the bathroom floor at 2am because everything came crashing down at once.

Midnight thoughts (sometimes I’m a mess)

Everything you love is here

(via lovequotesrus)

and, you see, I would still love. I can’t imagine anything else than sitting next to them, having my heart break of empathy. to me that would be a moment of deep love.

but I do see how no one would love me enough for that. I do see how that’s a handful.

maybe both the gift and curse of EUPD is that loving hard isn’t hard.

(Source: reality-escape-artist)

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